Thursday, November 25, 2010
Consumer Advice I
Our first friendly consumer advice, i am afraid, is a short one. Here it goes: do not attempt to drink carrot & papaya milkshake. Do so at your own risk. Trust me, i know. I'm an expert at this. Just kidding; I don't think I am. But still, don't say we didn't warn you. You may want to try that avocado instead.
Monday, November 22, 2010
The Ups and Downs II
You know, this post has been tucked away in the drafts for a long long time, since October actually, and now I am finally going to release it. However, the was a hiccup, i realized. After countless editing, as a result of the shifting nature of what we know as news, the old introduction to this post doesn't really fit anymore, so here I am, coming up with a new one. And just like that, I've done four lines. I'm pretty good at this, ain't I? So anyway, this issue seems devoted to motoring. I guess I have to provide a reason, so here they are: 1. This is November, so it's N for Nürburgring.
2. It's a tribute to the Murcielago. You'll know why in a short while.
Up: James May* (the English bloke on the right with the Bimmer) has, now not-so-recently, coined a brand new definition for driver experience, a shining yardstick for the measurement of car desirability. But before we continue, children, please exercise your own discretion at the moment, and unplug the computer and walk away. Now, with the kids safely away, let us continue. According to May, when one drive, sit in, look at, or just think of certain cars, one experiences a fizzing sensation at, specifically, of all places, behind the penis. It seems that millions of years of human evolution has provided us with a visceral feedback to automotive stimuli, as May attributes this inexplicable reflex to the elusive existence of a fizz gland. And, girls, don't be disappointed; James claims that a couple of girls he's spoken to experiences similar sensations too... Click here for the whole story behind Jame's fizzy logic: BBC TG. Now what get's you fizzing?
(*You've got to know who James May is. And Richard Hammond. And Jeremy Clarkson. Not knowing them is like not the relationship between Garfield and lasagna. Also, don't forget The Stig. Now, some say...)
Up: The new 2011 Bentley Continental GT has sure got all of us fizzing all right, it's so good you'd want to sit in it naked... 'Nuff said, look at the picture.
And here, have a go at our new favourite computer game: Bently Continental GT Visualizer.
Down: The 4099th, that is the very last, Lamborghini Murciélago has rolled off the production line... The Murciélago, named after an honored fighting bull, is the swan song of the legendary Lamborghini V12 engine that has been powering the supercars of this iconic brand since the 350GT back in 1964. Now, with the death of the Murciélago, the final 6.5L incarnation of the 12-cylinder beast has made its last roar, the beautiful trapezoidal exhaust has sung its last song, and those sublime scissor doors are swung shut for the last time... As fans of the Charging Bull across the globe garland their SV posters and doff their novelty bull hats, we here at Front End pay our tributes to the supercar legend by urging all our readers to set up camp along Holland Road. If you wait long enough, you'll see an SV blur pass eventually, at the same instant you wet your pants. I've seen an orange one so far, and a white one, and another orange one...
2. It's a tribute to the Murcielago. You'll know why in a short while.Up: James May* (the English bloke on the right with the Bimmer) has, now not-so-recently, coined a brand new definition for driver experience, a shining yardstick for the measurement of car desirability. But before we continue, children, please exercise your own discretion at the moment, and unplug the computer and walk away. Now, with the kids safely away, let us continue. According to May, when one drive, sit in, look at, or just think of certain cars, one experiences a fizzing sensation at, specifically, of all places, behind the penis. It seems that millions of years of human evolution has provided us with a visceral feedback to automotive stimuli, as May attributes this inexplicable reflex to the elusive existence of a fizz gland. And, girls, don't be disappointed; James claims that a couple of girls he's spoken to experiences similar sensations too... Click here for the whole story behind Jame's fizzy logic: BBC TG. Now what get's you fizzing?
(*You've got to know who James May is. And Richard Hammond. And Jeremy Clarkson. Not knowing them is like not the relationship between Garfield and lasagna. Also, don't forget The Stig. Now, some say...)
Up: The new 2011 Bentley Continental GT has sure got all of us fizzing all right, it's so good you'd want to sit in it naked... 'Nuff said, look at the picture.
And here, have a go at our new favourite computer game: Bently Continental GT Visualizer.
Down: The 4099th, that is the very last, Lamborghini Murciélago has rolled off the production line... The Murciélago, named after an honored fighting bull, is the swan song of the legendary Lamborghini V12 engine that has been powering the supercars of this iconic brand since the 350GT back in 1964. Now, with the death of the Murciélago, the final 6.5L incarnation of the 12-cylinder beast has made its last roar, the beautiful trapezoidal exhaust has sung its last song, and those sublime scissor doors are swung shut for the last time... As fans of the Charging Bull across the globe garland their SV posters and doff their novelty bull hats, we here at Front End pay our tributes to the supercar legend by urging all our readers to set up camp along Holland Road. If you wait long enough, you'll see an SV blur pass eventually, at the same instant you wet your pants. I've seen an orange one so far, and a white one, and another orange one...
 |  | |
| (Standard Murciélago LP 640) | (Murciélago LP 670-4 SuperVeloce, in a desert near Abu Dhabi. Now that is sheer effervescence...) |
And on that bombshell, we're sorry to say we have come to the end. Stay merry folks!
Coming up next: Blunders in Deathly Hallows J.K. Rowling had carelessly overlooked...
But first, we'd like to present to you our new Consumer Advice section. Stay tuned!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
The day we've studied over 10 years for...
Here's some comic relief for the grueling Chinese O' Levels coming up in less than 10hrs, sung to the tune of You're Beautiful:
I'm learning Chinese, my thoughts are pure
Written in a language, I've known since 4
Nothing ever happens, the essays are pretty bland
Pretending that I'm learning, pray I dun get 'F'
My O'Levels, My O'Levels, My O'Levels
It's through...
I'll get an 'A', enjoy freedom's taste
And I'll never have to do,
another paper, so will you...
And I give a sigh,
As the 'cher walks by,
I can't talk to nobody or look 'em,
in the eye
And I really should start but instead I,
Sit here stonin' hopin' I'll last till the end...
My O'Levels, My O'Levels, My O'Levels
It's screwed...
I saw your face, it shows distaste
And that's when I really knew
I've screwed the paper, just like you...
I'm learning Chinese, my thoughts are pure
Written in a language, I've known since 4
Nothing ever happens, the essays are pretty bland
Pretending that I'm learning, pray I dun get 'F'
My O'Levels, My O'Levels, My O'Levels
It's through...
I'll get an 'A', enjoy freedom's taste
And I'll never have to do,
another paper, so will you...
And I give a sigh,
As the 'cher walks by,
I can't talk to nobody or look 'em,
in the eye
And I really should start but instead I,
Sit here stonin' hopin' I'll last till the end...
My O'Levels, My O'Levels, My O'Levels
It's screwed...
I saw your face, it shows distaste
And that's when I really knew
I've screwed the paper, just like you...
Saturday, November 6, 2010
We apologize for delaying the much anticipated release of issue II of The Ups and Downs. All our manpower has been temporarily devoted to cover the sudden unforeseen release of the breaking news about The Stig, in fear of being scooped.
As if that will happen...
But we do have to pretend, don't we?
As an apology we promise the next issue of the Ups and Downs to be packed with even more quirky news and dry humor, including - a new benchmark for car desirability by none other than James May...
As if that will happen...
But we do have to pretend, don't we?
As an apology we promise the next issue of the Ups and Downs to be packed with even more quirky news and dry humor, including - a new benchmark for car desirability by none other than James May...
BREAKING NEWS: Top Secret Stig Breeding Facility Discovered
HEADLINE NEWS: TopGear has just released highly classified information about its previously undisclosed Stig breeding program. Immediately, our intrepid journalists popped down to the top secret (free-range, GM-free) Top Gear farm facility in an obscure part of rural Britain and held a colourful inspection of the attempt to reproduce the popular 'tame racing driver'. Success of the program is not entirely impressive; Stigs are seen to act wildly in a stupid and rather untamed fashion.
The question is, is the current white Stig (top-right), who have been boldly tearing down the tracks yet never failing to make the audience laugh with his hilarious muteness since Series 3 back in 2003 (it's currently Series 15), finally going to have a more, well, vibrant replacement?
The question is, is the current white Stig (top-right), who have been boldly tearing down the tracks yet never failing to make the audience laugh with his hilarious muteness since Series 3 back in 2003 (it's currently Series 15), finally going to have a more, well, vibrant replacement?
Here is our exclusive news footage fresh from the epicenter:
Odd characteristics of our current Stig includes being afraid of bells or confused by stairs. He never blinks, naturally faces magnetic north, and the outline of his left nipple is in the shape of the Nürburgring. He sometimes spend his spare time catching fish with his tongue and his New Year resolution is to eat less mice. Now some say, when Stigs mate....
For now, it seems that he really will leave, and we'll definitely miss him dearly.
Credits to BBC: http://www.topgear.com/uk/car-news/stig-farm-exclusive-2010-11-5
To those people who do not know who or what The Stig is, shame on you. Not knowing The Stig is like not knowing who invented the pasta. Do your homework here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Stig. And don't emerge into the daylight until you've memorized it down to the very last punctuation. When you do, go jump in a lake.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)